You Are What You Eat: Burger King Adventures

Is it no wonder that this chain is going down the tubes?

I went on the Burger King Restaurant to offer up a complaint in regards to the local BK franchisee. You are only given 500 characters in order to state your complaint. 500 characters is not a whole lot to relate practically any incident. But the whole scenario is typical of why Burger King continues to fail, and is now behind Wendy’s in Fast Food sales.

I don't have that original complaint that I wrote, but it's obvious from their reply that Corporate BK thinks all their customers are a bunch of dummies. I tried writing a reply to their canned response, but you are unable to do that. The email is computer generated and there is no contact information and replying to it just gets you a no such email return.  So much for consumer relations.

Here is what they wrote to me in regards to my complaint. Keep in mind that this response in no way addresses what I had to say, and simply reiterates a talking point about Franchisees opting out of certain corporate sales, a fact I am very well aware of.  If I had thought of it, I would have saved my original comments.

Dear Mr. R,

Thank you for taking the time to contact BURGER KING® restaurants Guest Relations with your inquiry. As a valued guest, your comments and observations are important to us.

Many of our BURGER KING® restaurant locations are franchised owned and operated. As such the locations are independent business entities; federal regulations prohibit us from dictating certain policies such as pricing  and promotions.

Thank you again for bringing this matter to our attention and rest assured that your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate management team so that they may be aware of your concerns. We value your opinion and look forward to serving you again in the near future.

Kind Regards,

BURGER KING® restaurants Guest Relations

Here is my reply:

Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2014 21:27:54 -0700

Subject: Re: Response from BURGER KING(R) Guest Relations

I understand about some franchises not adopting certain corporate pricing policies. I'm a very informed person. This is not news to me. That's fine. I’ve run into that several times, most notably at the local Pizza Hut which often refuses to offer up a corporate special.  So I was aware of this before I wrote my comments.

However, I was unable to relay the whole story in the very restrictive "50 characters or less" one is limited to on your web site. Between that restriction and your canned computer generated response the whole exercise was kind of pointless and irrelevant.

And worse yet, your  response does not even attempt to address the issues. Just another case of where the consumer seems to be an afterthought at Burger King. But since BK is nothing more than just another investment by an equity firm, who could care less about customer service and being responsive to consumers, it is no wonder that they continue to fail and fall mightily. The franchise here in Wasco is the epitome of all that is wrong with Burger King.

The fact is that this particular franchisee located in Wasco WAS selling the Deluxe Fish Sandwiches at the sale price of 2 for $5, and was doing so for at least a week. Then for no sensible reason they drop it right in the middle of the promoted special with no explanation while corporate continues to shill this particular deal on television and on their web site. It would have been one thing to not have the special from the beginning, but it's quite another to institute it and then boot it.

This should be a problem to not only the BK Corporation, but especially the management and ownership of this particular franchise. It was because I had previously been able to buy this sandwich at this discounted price that I stopped at this particular restaurant on this particular night. I mean for Pete's sake, when your competition across the street is selling Fish sandwiches 2 for $4 and doing booming business, you'd think it'd be a no brainer for the BK in Wasco to continue onward with something they had already started, at least through Lent, and especially in an area that is heavily populated by those who faithfully observe the no meat on Fridays during the Lenten season.  If the special was over chain wide, that would have been one thing.  This is another thing altogether.

Frankly, there was a time I wouldn't stop at that BK location at all as the service was very poor, and often the attitude of those working seemed to be quite lackadaisical to say the least.

One of the reasons I quit going to this location and most other BK’s previously was because time after time after time one is told to drive around to the front and park. This would be okay if it was extremely busy, but it seldom is. This policy seems to be in play whether you are the only car in the drive-thru or if there are two, or even three. At no other franchise in the area whether it is McDonald's, Carl's Jr., Taco Bell or Jack-in-the-Box, does this on a regular basis or seems to have this problem. When it does happen at those locations, it's on a very very rare occasion.

So for a long while I just quit giving Burger King, especially this particular franchise any consideration at all. And judging by the amount of traffic, or should I say lack of, at this location as compared to the other chains on this stretch of highway, it would seem a good number of people feel as I do.

But after about a year or so I decided to give it another try after being enticed by your 2 for $5 menu which I thought was a good deal. And when I returned, the service seemed to have improved.

But for the past several weeks it's been back to the same policy of pull around, park in the parking lot, and we'll get to you when we get to you despite the fact that at times there are no other vehicles. And now this bit of idiocy with the Fish Sandwich.

What makes it a bit loony tunes is the fact that there is little difference between the regular fish and the Deluxe except for a piece of cheese and an onion. So now thanks to that particular franchise first adopting the special then dropping it for no reason other than the fact that by dropping the cheese they can charge you another 60 cents per slice and think you’re stupid enough to pay it(they have always carried all other 2 for $5 deals including this one initially), and most of all your lack of a true response, I'll be crossing BK off my list again. Believe me, there are many others who did this long ago.

Where I work there are several people who no longer go to Burger King. I would tell them that I was the same way but since I started returning, things had improved. But now, I'll have to tell them it was a mirage. There is a McDonald's directly across the street, there is Jack-in-the-Box less than a block away, and a Carl's Jr. not too much further down the road. There is a Taco Bell just a block away and a Pizza Hut right across the street as well. One would think that given these circumstances, BK would value it's customers more by not only giving them an opportunity to communicate better on their web site, but something better than a form response.  As a matter of fact, your canned reply has irritated me ten times as much as the actual event.

Because I, my girlfriend, and her sister, all have busy schedules we eat out more often than not and spend a huge amount of money in this town. It's just sad that this franchise could be doing so much better, but when the owner, the management, and the corporation don't seem to care, then it's time to cross BK off my list once again.  This time for good, and I will take along with me any others I can convince to stay away.

Thank you for letting me state my experience with your restaurant. Sometimes being honest takes a lot more than "500 characters." And if BK really cares about its customers and its reputation, than you would think that they would contact the owners and manager of this franchise (if it is indeed that) and ask them what exactly is going on. Too bad corporate is willing to let poor franchisees sully their reputation.  I doubt that things will change.

You Are What You Eat: $5 Subs

October is a happy month at Subway. ALL subs are $5. If you pick your sub and toppings with care, you can lose weight. Today's happy sub is the combo. More filling, but still low in fat. Calories are a bit much but they are good calories.

You Are What You Eat–Denny’s Gut Bustin’ Cheesy Menu, T-Bones Ranch House, Marie Callender’s Pasta Special and Sunday Brunch.

I imagine many of you have ate at one of these places at some point in your life, except for T-Bones which is a local Bakersfield concoction.  It may be harder to find a Marie Callender’s  restaurant near you though.  They closed 30 restaurants in June and filed for bankruptcy protection which is never a good thing.  Most of the stores they closed were on the West Coast, and they gave no notice to employees when they did so, which also is not a good thing.

The one we’ve been to in Bakersfield off and on over the years is still in business, and I’ve always received decent food and service there.  And besides, the pies are always good. 

As for Denny’s, while the menu doesn’t vary much from place to place, there are always variables with any chain.  These would be restaurant management, who’s cooking in the kitchen with Dinah, and of course the service by the employees.  The local Denny’s that we frequent opened just over a year or so ago, and we’ve never had any big problem.  I can only remember a couple of times that our visit might have been worth complaining about at all and nothing really disastrous.  At least not yet.

Before Denny’s came to town, we used to eat at a restaurant up the street called Perkos that really didn’t have a whole lot of competition for the kind of restaurant it is.  I believe it too is part of a chain, but more local than nationwide.  You can see it in this article I wrote previously at the beginning of my blog rejuvenation project.

For a while it wasn’t a bad place to dine.  Then for some reason things went to hell in a hand basket.  The food became inedible, the portions smaller, the prices higher, and the service hit the skids.  After two ridiculously bad visits to Perkos with The Girlfriend, we quit going.  I looked up who owned the chain, sent them an email and they never responded.  That was about two years ago. 

I did go back with Honorable Son No. 3 once to see if things had improved now that they had competition, but sadly, they were just as bad as always.  Still, the local yokels frequent the place, mostly out of habit.  But I can see Denny’s seriously cutting into their business seeing as how management and ownership don’t seem to really give a shit.  So don’t believe this nonsense on their web site.

Anyway, I’m off track and this is supposed to be about Denny’s.  As I was saying, the menu doesn’t change much except for the temporary themes that they have on the menu until they eventually wear out their welcome and a new one appears.  That’s why it always says “For a limited time only.” 

I think the last one they had was called something like Tastes Across America.  It went over well with The Girlfriend who really enjoyed some sandwich that had beef and French Fries on it.  I was in full diet mode at the time so I couldn’t partake.  I usually had the Tilapia and it wasn’t so hot.

But that theme is gone and has now been replaced with “Let’s Get Cheesy.”  Of course you know that anything with cheese in it is loaded with calories.  Some of these items are real artery clogging diet busters even if you’re not on a diet.  So don’t go the day before the doctor is checking your cholesterol.  But I’m not here to count calories.  Far be it from me to try and tell people what they should or should not eat.

So last week The Girlfriend and I were at Denny’s and took a couple of the new menu items for a drive around the eating booth.  The girlfriend ordered the Cheesy Sampler.  I can’t report on how it tasted because she ate it, not I, and she’s not here.  Wait a minute, and I’ll call her on my cell phone and get a full report.

The girlfriend says,

“It was alright.  I liked it well enough.  But it really didn’t have enough cheese on it.  With a name like “Cheesy” I expected it to have more cheese which is what gave it its flavor.  Other than that, I liked it.” 

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, The Girlfriend is staying in Bakersfield for six weeks or more, babysitting her aunt’s house.  Guess I’ll just have to tough it out.  Hurray for me!

Looking more closely at the picture, I can see what she means.  For it being a cheese promotion, the cheese does look a bit skimpy on everything except the eggs.  And I’m not sure about that sausage.  Looks a bit overdone.  That’s what it looks like in real life, but keep in mind that it will probably vary from restaurant to restaurant.

You can compare it to the original on Denny’s web site by going there and……oh hell, never mind.  I did the work for you and here’s a screen capture of what Denny’s says it’s suppose to look like:

Don’t hold the fact that the Denny’s picture looks so much better deter you.  The chances are that’s not even real food on that plate.  I knew what ever I had off that menu was going to put a hole in my diet so I tried to choose something that wouldn’t add 20 lbs. to my frame as I walked out the door. I finally chose something called the “Cheesy Skillet.”   Keep in mind that this thing can best be compared to a breakfast fajita skillet without the tortilla to pile it into.  Also, the one on Denny’s web site shows it with the eggs sunny side up.  Mine was over easy.  Here’s Denny’s ad:

Looks good enough to eat doesn’t it?  Well, keep your expectations in check.  Because there’s the advertisement, and then there’s the reality.  And the reality is this:

All I can say is that it tasted better than it looks.  Then again, mine wasn’t in a shiny new skillet and posed for a picture either.  And unlike The Girlfriend, mine had plenty of cheese.  So much so that it looked like it was seeping through the egg.  I hadn’t counted on the vegetables being charbroiled though.  But for the price, it was good enough,  and filled us both up.  But that may have been because The Girlfriend insisted on us sharing a big plate of pancakes.  But I think on my next trip to Denny’s I’ll try something else.

But if anybody from Denny’s happens this way I do want to register a complaint.  What was the purpose in taking chili off the menu, and then limiting your daily soup selections to about three alternating ones?  I really liked having a bowl of chili once in a while.  Couldn’t you have sold chili burgers to get rid of any excess you may have had?  Bad decision, Denny’s.

Two weekends ago though we made a shopping trip into Bakersfield.  It was supposed to be a movie trip but that didn’t happen.  Instead we ended up at a place we had visited about a month ago.  The place is called T-Bones Ranch House, and is located on District Boulevard in Bakersfield.  The location is not the greatest for us.  It seems to be far away from just about every place we go except Sam’s Club and we don’t go there very often.  This time we were way on the other side of Bakersfield and had to use the GPS to make sure we arrived there without getting lost.  And from all the turns we made along the way, we would have had a bit of trouble getting there to say the least.

The last time we were at T-Bones, I was still in full dieting mode.  I still should be but as you can see I’m kind of not at the moment.  I can’t even remember what I had at that time but I know it was fish or chicken.  It’s always fish or chicken.  I thought I had a picture of that meal somewhere but my hard drive is such a mess.  I really really have to get that situation under control…..someday.

Besides being a restaurant, T-Bones also has a lounge where they have live music.  But if that’s not your bag, have no fear.  It is off on the other side of the building and the acoustics are such that you won’t even notice.  On this trip, the special was a 12 oz. Rib-eye complete with salad, potatoes, and dinner rolls for $18.95 each.  And that is what we ordered.  I ordered mine medium, and my girlfriend ordered hers medium well I believe. 

Although it was a Saturday, the place didn’t seem very busy.  In fact, I don’t think there was enough for all the help to do.  You’ve heard of service with a smile?  Well we got that and then some.  And then some more.  And then some more again.  Sometimes there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.  But I’m not really going to complain about that because I’d rather see the waiter/waitress too much than not at all if you know what I mean.

I took a few camera shots of the interior while we waited on our dinner.  Not really much to see here except that it’s supposed to have that Texas type ranch atmosphere to it.  But I’ve only been through Texas once, and didn’t stop at any ranch in Amarillo, so I’m really clueless as to whether or not that’s what they were trying to achieve.  Maybe it was the Ponderosa from Bonanza they were shooting for.  But the Cartwright's have all gone to the big Virginia City in the sky so I can’t fire off an email and ask them either.

You decide.  I am going to have to work on getting better pictures though.  I’m kind of hesitant about taking pictures as you can see.  I guess I could just pass myself off as a tourist but it’s hard to say you’re just passing through once you’ve been to a place two or three times.

I also had a shot of the exterior but damned if I know where it went.  I know I took one but I may have accidentally deleted it.  You know how it is when you’re all thumbs.  Then there was the one I took just as you walk in the door but that was too blurry too use. 

You get your dinner rolls before you get dinner.  The dinner rolls are actually one of the best things about T-Bones.  Rule of thumb:  No matter where you are, if the bread is good, it helps set the pace for the rest of the meal.

Eventually they brought our steaks.  Mine was cooked about the way I liked it but The Girlfriend says that her steak had too much pink.  But she opted to eat it anyway mainly because when we eat out like this The Girlfriend seldom eats much of her meal.  She usually takes most of it home especially since having the lap band surgery.  I told her that if she reheated her steak in the microwave that the pink would disappear.  And it did when she took my advice the next day although she said it made the steak tougher.

The steak was tasty enough, but the quality probably could have been  better especially for the price that was charged.  It was a little tough even without The Girlfriend zapping it.  The chili beans weren’t that good either.  They tasted more like the Mexican refried beans than chili beans.  The Girlfriend concurred with me on that.  She had them on our last visit and said they were better that time.  There was also more grease sliding around on my plate than I prefer but it’s not something that would make or break a meal for me.  On the other hand, the salad was fresh, and they use real tomatoes and not those phony miniature ones that some restaurants try to pass off on you.   But I think for the price they could have had a few more ingredients in the salad.

 

The total for all this was about $44.00 not including tip.  So we’re talking roughly $50.00.  Really, I hate the way that having a damn glass of tea or a soft drink in these places jacks up the price.  We’ll probably return to T-Bones again, although once I hit the $50 mark I begin thinking Tahoe Joe’s or even Famous Dave’s.

This past weekend I went to stay in Bakersfield with The Girlfriend and headed up there on Saturday afternoon.  We decided on dinner and a movie.  The movie was “The Debt” of which I’ll be writing about in a separate post sometime soon.  We had our usual debate on where to dine.  We knew that we were going to Marie Callender’s the following morning for brunch because The Girlfriend had purchased some “buy 1 get 1 free coupons” some time back and they were going to expire in October. 

I suggested that we just go to Marie Callender’s at this time as well because it was within reasonable proximity of the theater and not really much out of the way of her Aunt’s house.  She didn’t think we should at first because we would be eating there the next morning.  My argument was that brunch was one thing but this was dinner so we wouldn’t be eating the same things.  After looking at it from that perspective she agreed.

There are many Marie Callender’s around but I’ve only been in two. The one on California Drive in Bakersfield, and we stopped at one near Magic Mountain on our way to L.A. about seven years ago.   But here’s a crappy exterior picture of the one in Bakersfield, and one of the interior as well that I took with my I-phone because once again I forgot the good camera.

I usually have decent meals at this restaurant but on this particular day they had a special on Pasta.  Your choice of Pasta with a Caesar Salad and a slice of pie.   I generally don’t order the specials very often because except for a place like Olive Garden, they’ll often jack you around with serving portions.  But I ordered the Chicken Alfredo and The Girlfriend had the Rigatoni. 

At Marie Callender’s you get cornbread which doesn’t do a thing for me because I’m not a fan.  The girlfriend likes it well enough, but to me it’s just a crumbly tasteless mess.  But I ate a piece anyway, just to be sporting.

See, crumbly mess just as I said it was.  But I imagine it keeps their food cost down and if any chain needs to keep that under control at the moment it would be Ms. Marie’s. 

Soon after we had the cornbread they brought the main meal, and right away I knew that we had made a couple of mistakes.  The first one was in not ordering an appetizer and the second one was ordering the damn special in the first place.  I don’t really know what I expected. Maybe I have spent too much time at Olive Garden.  The Pasta Items on OG’s menu are served on their own large plate and come with all you can eat soup or salad, and all the breadsticks one could ever hope for. In fact, The Girlfriend usually fills up on breadsticks and pasta and then takes her pasta home.

For Marie Callender’s special, the  pasta and the salad were both on the same plate, although the pasta was in it’s own special little Shirley Temple side dish.  I don’t know why I expected it to be on it’s own large plate and the salad in a bowl but I did.  I guess I was daydreaming about other places again. 

The Chicken Alfredo Pasta actually looked like it was made from a box of Betty Crocker’s chicken helper, the Rigatoni looked like it came right from the Kitchen of Chef Boyardee.  But maybe it tasted better than it looked.  It didn’t really.  It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t very flavorful at all.  The girlfriend felt the same way about her rigatoni.  And the salad was so chintzy, I would have been better off just ordering a meal with the salad bar.  But lesson learned:  No more specials at Marie Callenders because the only thing special about it is the money they make by being chintzy with the food.  I mean, there’s just nothing more to say about it, so I guess I’ll just show you.

And I’m sure you thought I was exaggerating.  Anyway, there was always the pie and you can’t really go wrong with pie now can you?  Have you ever seen the movie Michael?

Pie
Pie
Me oh my
Nothing tastes sweet, wet, salty and dry
all at once o well it's pie
Apple!
Pumpkin!
Minced
an' wet bottom.
Come to your place everyday if you've got em'
Pie
Me o my
I love pie

Anyway, that’s how I feel about pie.  And of course, since it is a special, and considering what had come previously, you knew it wasn’t going to be very much pie.  And you would be right.  Notice the fork size and the slice of pie slice.  I think two bites and I was done with that sucker.  Oh well, at least it kept us from dawdling and we made it to the movie on time.  But your best bet is to wait until they are on sale and buy one of their whole pies.  That place sells a lot of pies that way.  This here was just sad, and if it weren’t for The Girlfriend’s coupons we wouldn’t have gone back the next day.

Buffets are tricky.  They can either be very good, or just terrible or even somewhere in between.  They can be overprice or a real bargain.  We had been to the Marie Callender’s Sunday Brunch Buffet before and at $18 a pop, it’s in the upper stratosphere of buffet prices.  At least for the Bakersfield area.  Of course, if you’re ever in Vegas and go to The Bellagio’s buffet, then you’d better take out a loan.  Remember, we had a coupon for buy one get one free so we were basically paying only nine bucks each.

The brunch is a mix of breakfast and lunch items.  The last time we went to Ms. Callender’s for this we arrived later in the day and the place was packed.  This time it was around 9 a.m. and just about everybody was either sleeping off their hangovers or in church praying for forgiveness for whatever it was they were doing when they tied one on the night before.  So that was a big plus and something to keep in mind if we ever go back.  So arrive early if you can.

As buffets go, this one is pretty good.  There is a wide variety of breakfast and lunch items to choose from, although the majority of the items are breakfast oriented.  You can also get an omelet freshly made to your specifications.   Order your omelet before getting any other items.  And unlike some places, the staff does a good job of refilling your drink (the price is included in the meal which is always a big plus), keeping the food fresh and warm, and the food area very clean.  Everything has it’s own heated container, and the lid’s actually shut properly so that’s another point for their side.

But remember, you are seldom allowed to take any food home with you unless you sneak in some baggies and put them in your pocket or purse.  The Girlfriend always gets the big eye and piles up way more than she can eat so I end up having to help her out because I hate food waste.  Also remember that at $18, you have to eat a lot of food to get your money’s worth.  But here’s what our meal looked like:

You can see that I probably piled too much on my plage, but sometimes it’s hard to choose and I don’t like having to get a bunch of different plates.  But The Girlfriend doesn’t mind doing that.  She had an omelet, ribs, ham, potatoes and Eggs Benedict.

That blurry picture is barbecued chicken.  That was mine.  All and all, I’d say this meal made up for the night before so I’m glad we went.  I’m not sure if it’s worth almost $19 each though if you’re just having breakfast, but that’s up to you and your pocketbook to decide that.  Not me.  At any rate, I’m sure we’ll go back sooner or later as long as they’re in business.  However long that may be.  Ladies and Gentlemen, dinner has been served.

You Are What You Eat – Salad Wars!

A few days ago I was detailing and lamenting about a  rather shitty dining experience at the Elephant Bar Global Grill and Monkey Droppings Kitchen.  Among the many things I was bitching about was the crappy tiny salad they give you for just $4 extra dollars.  To be more precise, what I said was this:

It was bad enough that for four dollars, there wasn’t much there, but they used those damn miniature round tomatoes that I absolutely abhor.  And for four bucks, if they  aren’t going to use real tomatoes, you would have thought they could have put more in the way of vegetables in it, like maybe some olives, cucumbers, mushrooms, or onions.  I mean, hell, the salads at Denny’s are better than this and only cost me $2.95.  Now I know another reason why it was so damn dark.  They didn’t want you to be able to see how skimpy some of the food items were.

Yesterday my son Josh and I ate at a local Buffet restaurant in Bakersfield called Hodel’s.  For about $12 a person including drink, you can fill up on some pretty decent food.  In fact, if you decide you want just the salad bar you can do so for a smaller price then if you have a full dinner or lunch.  So I went to town on the salad bar, probably a bit much, loading it up as highh as I could without having it spill over the plate.  By the time I finished, this is what it looked like:

And I could have ate two or three of these if I so desired, but this one was enough.  Now I’m not going to wax poetic about it’s dietary properties or lack thereof, but a cousin of mine stated on Facebook: 

Omit the croutons corn and creamy dressing and swap the ham for chicken, and you've got a healthy salad.

To be honest, they didn’t have any little bits of chicken squares, although you could fill up on all the chicken you wanted at the dinner bar.  And I suppose I could have scooped up a breast and hand chopped it up into my salad, but the thought never occurred to me.  As for the corn, it really wasn’t that much but I guess I could have easily left it off and wouldn’t have noticed it was even missing.  And I debated for ten long seconds about putting on the croutons, I really did.  But some of  the little crispy buggers jumped up on my plate when I wasn’t looking. Yeah, my will power has been headed down Crapville Lane for about four or five days now.

As usual though, I’m getting away  from the point I want to make here.  The question is this:   why does a place that charges an arm and a leg for a meal, then charges you a knee and an ass cheek more for a tiny ass crappy salad with nothing in it? 

Take a place like Olive Garden as compared to a half assed place like the Elephant Bar.  At Olive Garden, you not only get all the damn tasty bread sticks you can eat,  you also get an endless salad, and it doesn’t cost you a penny more.  It’s part of your meal. 

And if Hodel’s, Sizzlin’ and even Marie Callendars  can give away salad by the tons  included with the price of your  meal or damn little extra, why the hell can’t the fucking Elephant Bar give you one decent salad for that damn four bucks?  I mean, is the cook pocketing about $3.50 of that and splitting it with the manager?  Or is the manager cheating on his food costs and taking extra home to save up for that bit 60 inch flat screen hanging around down at Best Buy with the stereo surround sound system and the 3d goggles?   If the salad had been worthwhile, I wouldn’t even mention the lousy four Washington spots.   But it sure as hell wasn’t worth what we paid for it, and probably wasn’t worth no more than two bucks if that much.

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m wrong.  The place was packed as evidenced by the fact that we had to wait 45 minutes for a table.  But then again, there were a couple of parties going on, and it was obvious that at least half of the patrons were crocked to the eyeballs.  So like I said, they probably didn’t even notice or care how really lousy the food was.  But maybe I’ll write a real letter to the company and be very precise and succinct in my displeasure:  Dear Elephant Bar:  You suck.

You Are What You Eat-Nui Nui Coconut Shrimp, Chicken Teriyaki Rice Bowl & Lemon Garlic Chicken Breast at the Elephant Bar Global Grill & Wok Kitchen

So I finally got the MRI out of the way and was pretty hungry by  by the time I finished.  I actually may have fallen asleep in the giant radiology tunnel of death  because unlike the last time when they scanned my brain, I was able to wear noise reducing headphones.  Since the last MRI was to see how many air pockets were cluttering my brain, I couldn’t use the ear muffs then.  We arrived  at the radiology place around 6:30 and I was out of there by 7:20.

So the girlfriend and I had our usual lame debate as to where to have dinner. 

He:  Where do you want to eat?

She:  I don’t care.  Where do you want to eat.

He:  Wherever you want to.

She:  I don’t care.  It doesn’t matter to me.

He:  Doesn’t matter to me either.  We can go to Hodel’s or we can go to the Elephant Bar which is just up the road.  We haven’t been there for four or five years now.

We opted for the Elephant Bar.  I remember the last time we had eaten there it was with some friends who are now, ex-friends.  That tends to happen when you really get shafted by your so called friends. At least when friends do it, you can ex-friend them.  With family, your always going to be related like it or not.  Sort of like my racist half-brother.  I don’t acknowledge his existence, but we’re still related. 

But I digress.  I couldn’t tell you what I had on that last visit to Elephantitis Food Joint,  but I vaguely remember it as being  really good.  Then again, that could have been the air pockets in my brain conjuring up some false memories.  I’ll have to ask Dr. A.C. Neurologist about that one.

The Elephant Bar & Girl or as they like to call it:  Elephant Bar & Grill Global Grill and Wok Kitchen, sits on the corner of the highway, directly facing the California Pizza Kitchen.  Separating the two buildings  is a fancy shmancy  fountain, which you can opt to sit around and admire as you wait for your table.  And a quick glance of the situation told us we were going to be waiting a while.

In this case, a while turned out to be about 45 minutes.  The girlfriend and I opted to wait inside in the air conditioning, figuring that if you’ve seen one fountain, you’ve seen them all.  And when the temperature is pushing 100 degrees, you can do without the view unless of course you intend to go wading around in the water and probably get your drunken ass arrested.

The first thing you notice about the inside of the Elephant Bar, is how freakin’ noisy the place is.  After a couple of minutes of waiting, I was ready to drive down to the MRI place and borrow their noise cancelling ear muffs..  I opted for messing with my I-phone instead, thinking I might take some lame assed pictures to throw up on the blog.

I don’t know how long we had been sitting there waiting  when my girlfriend leaned over and almost shouted in my ear so I could hear her over the din.

“Look at that girl,” she said.

“What girl?” I replied looking up from my serious game of Wheel of Fortune.  There were several

“The skinny girl,” she whispered loudly in my ear.  “The blonde.”

“What about her?” I asked.  I had seen many thin girls in my lifetime, even dated a few here and there, so seeing one more wasn’t exactly a big revelation for me.

“She don’t have any tits!” My girlfriend explained. 

And with that I knew that my girlfriend was really really bored and that like me, she needed to learn to play games on her phone to keep her wandering mind occupied.  Yes, the girl didn’t have much in the mammary department but I didn’t see that it matter much.  I thought she was kind of cute, in a certain Mia Farrowish kind of way when you remember how Mia Farrow looked in the early years of Peyton Place.  No, I won’t put up a picture.  Just Google it. 

What I noticed more was how all the help looked like they were modeling new Wal-mart Uniforms.  Either that or they were going to their night jobs at the all night  AM/PM convenience store down the road,  right after they closed this joint up. I guess conformity rules the days.  I’ve seen better uniforms.  I’ve seen worse.  Hell, I’ve worn worse more than once in my life.  So what does this have to do with our meal?  Not a damn thing. Just killing time.

But after what seemed like an eternity, we were finally escorted to our booth where the noise level jumped another ten decibels give or take a few.  One thing I know is that air pockets in the brain or not, I would have remembered the noise level  if it had been of this magniturde on our last visit.

Then there was the darkness problem.  The Girlfriend had not brought her glasses in with her because generally in good light, she doesn’t need them and who knew that we would be having dinner at  Mammoth Caves.

 

So she borrowed my glasses and began looking through them as if they were a magnifying glass straight out of Sherlock Holmes.

As for myself, I already knew what I wanted.  I wanted some kind of grilled chicken.  That’s all I ever wanted these days.  You see, I’ve been on this diet since early February.  At that time I had ballooned up to 316 lbs.  I am now down to about 235 lbs.  So nine times out of ten you either have a salad of some kind, fish, or chicken. 

The chicken in this case was Lemon Garlic Chicken. The Girlfriend ordered the Chicken Teriyaki Rice Bowl. She wanted the Ribs but at about 2,000 calories plus, that was a bit much even for her.

We also ordered Nui Nui Coconut Shrimp Skewers as an appetizer. They weren’t all that high in calories and with us splitting them that made it even better.

When they brought the shrimp skewers we quickly found out why they weren’t very high in calories. They were kind of scrawny. Taste wise they weren’t that exciting either. And the dipping sauce was just plain bland. You could hardly taste the coconut either which is probably another reason the calorie count was lows.

They also give you a glob of some vegetable crap with it. The Girlfriend didn’t like the looks of it. But I was game to give it a try, just enough to find out that like the dipping sauce it didn’t taste like much of anything. So I guess they liquefied them to make the sauce. As a matter of fact, the vegetables with this shrimp were so boring, they made the shrimp seem like a major feast by comparison. Maybe that’s the idea here. It didn’t work, but unlike everybody else in the place, we hadn’t down three jugs of liquor either

We had both ordered a side salad at four bucks each.  It was listed as having only 30 calories and we quickly find out why.  It was bad enough that for four dollars, there wasn’t much there, but they used those damn miniature round tomatoes that I absolutely abhor.  And for four bucks, if they  aren’t going to use real tomatoes, you would have thought they could have put more in the way of vegetables in it, like maybe some olives, cucumbers, mushrooms, or onions.  I mean, hell, the salads at Denny’s are better than this and only cost me $2.95.  Now I know another reason why it was so damn dark.  They didn’t want you to be able to see how skimpy some of the food items were.

It took us about a minute and a half to finish our crummy side salads and after what seemed like an eternity, and with the noise level now so bad that The Girlfriend and I were communicating by sign language, they brought our dinners.  I’ll leave you to guess which is which.

If you guessed that the top picture was the Lemon Garlic Chicken, and the bottom picture the Chicken Teriyaki Rice Bowl, you win!  Sorry, I don’t give out prizes.  This blog has made all of $30 bucks in 7 years.

My chicken is buried under that big gooey globby solidified lump of rice,  If you look closely  you can barely see it sticking out from under there, like it’s playing hide-n-go-seek.  As for The Girlfriend’s meal, the Teriyaki Bowl at Jack-in-the-Box was more appealing than the mess on her plate.

But we needn’t have worried.  The food didn’t taste bad.  It didn’t taste at all.  The girlfriend tried adding salt to her dish to give it some flavoring but it didn’t work too well.  She took a few bites then started placing the rest of the chicken on my plate.

My Lemon Chicken wasn’t any better.  It had absolutely no flavor either.  Worst was the rice mess.  You would have thought they would have at least added some kind of broth to give it flavoring.  The way it held together reminded me  of some kind of Caramel Popcorn Ball, or worse, those damn Quaker Rice Cakes you buy in the supermarket.  If you've ever dieted, you know which ones I mean.  However, that wasn’t it.  The rice was held together by it’s own bit of overcooked magic and a dash of Elmer’s Glue All.  And the vegetables with it were just like the salad, and just like the vegetables with the shrimp skewers.  Flavorless and unappetizing.  Helluva combination was this restaurant.  Yes, boring and noisy.

The Girlfriend asked me if I wanted her rice and vegetables.  I said no.  I didn’t really want mine that much but seeing as how I needed to eat something, I managed to forge ahead although I did leave quite a bit of it on my plate.  But I really didn’t dilly dally around.  Between the noise, the darkness, and the crummy food, I was ready to go.   So they brought the tab and here are the damages:

The price wouldn’t have been bad if the food had been exceptionally good.  We’ve eaten at Tahoe Joe’s and paid way  more than this.  The difference is that at Tahoe Joe’s, you get what you pay for which is good atmosphere, really good food, and really good service.  I can’t say the service was bad at Elephant Bar, but we got none of the other ingredients necessary for a good dining experience.   We only left the usual 15 per cent tip, probably because it was just a bad all around experience.  I think the problem is, a lot of people go there to drink booze and eating is almost secondary.  From the noise level, I would say that many of the patrons were already pretty well lit up and could care less what the food tasted like.  And if I had known about that, we would have gone elsewhere.  We probably should have done that anyway, but we figured the food would make up for the noise level.  It didn’t.

And normally, I don’t write this much about a meal.  But I guess the worse it is, the more there is to write about.  But I can tell you we won’t be going back to the Elephant Bar & Grill anytime soon.