Friday, August 5, 2011

Ebert Totally Trashes The Change-Up

I’ve seen the previews for this film in the theater more than once this summer and even from that short take it just looked lame in every possible way from the premise to the execution.  When the funniest bit, (or should I say what the studio somehow thinks is the funniest bit), depends on a woman farting in bed, or shit shooting being thrown into the face of your leading men, they are hardly scenes that are  going to draw in the movie goers.

If you want to watch the R-Rated trailer go here. 

I love reading Ebert.  I don’t always agree with him, sometimes even vehemently disagreeing with him.  But either way his reviews are always interesting, and the more he trashes a movie, the more entertaining they are to read.  About The Change-Up, he proclaims:

It is obscene, foulmouthed, scatological, creepy and perverted. As a bonus, it has the shabbiest low-rent main titles I've seen this side of YouTube.

And that’s just the beginning. The film also carries a cellar dwelling 25 per cent approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes.

As for movie fart scenes, there should never be any fart scenes in a film ever again. Because there’s only one that always will be and shall be the biggest and best stinkeroo on celluloid.  Ride ‘em Cowboy.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Stuff – She May Be Seeing Double, But She’ll Always Be Buffy To Me



As I have said  before and will say a thousand times more, Buffy The Vampire Slayer will always be the  WGTVSE.  Not only has the show made tons of Best TV Shows of All Time lists,  more has been written academically about Buffy by scholars than any other program in the history of television.  How do I know that?  Because it says so write in this article.

Sarah Michelle Gellar takes time out from filming her new show on the CW to do a promotional tour.  The show is called “Ringer” and the IMDB describes the plot this way:

Bridget is six months sober and starting to get her life back on track when she becomes the sole witness to a professional hit. She flees to New York, telling no one. In New York, Bridget reunites with her estranged twin, Siobhan. Wealthy, pampered and seemingly happily married, Siobhan lives what appears to be a fairy tale life. The identical twin sisters seem to be mending their frayed relationship, until Siobhan disappears overboard during a boat trip the two take together, and Bridget makes the split decision to take on her sister's identity. She discovers shocking secrets, not only about her sister and her marriage, but other secrets as well. Bridget soon realizes she is no safer as Siobhan than she is as herself.





The premise has definite possibilities and my hope is to be right here writing about it when the series premiers.  Here’s a clip:

Sarah Michelle Gellar stars in the new CW series Ringer.

But that’s not all.  Sarah will return to the series for which she once won an EMMY Award, that being All My Children.  But she won’t be playing Kendall Hart, the role for which she won the award since that part now belongs to someone else.  It will always be to the shame and  detriment of the Television Academy that year after year they ignored Buffy when it awards time rolled around. 

I  for one am cheering her on, hoping this all works out, and the series is as interesting as it sounds.  So what if  the movie career didn’t quite work out.  Maybe it had something to do with typecasting, or maybe choosing roles like playing Daphne in two Scooby Doo movies.  But it doesn’t matter because  when it comes to Buffy, I’m a major fan boy.   Here’s a clip of Sarah winning her Emmy.

Sarah Michelle Gellar, Emmy Winner for All My Children

A Day in the Life: Soda Shopping at the Super Duper

I haven’t lived  in many one horse towns in my life, but those few  were always within shouting distance of a major Metro area.  For instance, when I lived in Xenia, Ohio we were only about ten or eleven miles from Dayton.  One could argue about whether Dayton is a major Metro area, but they would lose  However,  for the last ten years my ass has been parked out here in the Bum Fuck Egypt Land of California known as Wasco. 

Wasco is bigger than Xenia is at least area wise but  I’m not to about to trouble myself with a population and square mile check on Google to prove that statement true or false.  I’ll leave that up to all you internet trolls that happen by and want to blast me over my accuracy.

There wasn’t a lot to do back in Xenia Town.  But as I said before, it didn’t matter because you could head up to Beavercreek which was right next door, or head on into Dayton &  Kettering, or if you wanted to venture further, Centerville.  Of course, there are some areas of Dayton you would never really want to drive to or drive through unless you’re carrying a 357 in your lap, but that’s something else altogether. And besides, there are places in Bakersfield where I wouldn’t want to hang out either.  And for that matter, I’m not sure I’d take a late night stroll here in Wasco either.

So in Xenia,  it wasn’t like you were really far away from anything such as decent restaurants, movie theaters, or shopping malls.  And Xenia, although smaller than Wasco, had a Wal-mart, a Kroger, and a K-mart  so all your shopping needs could be fulfilled right there without leaving the city limits.  And best of all, you could stop by the Circle K there in town and say hello to my old Boss, Don, and former roomie Bill if you wanted  

Here in Wasco, which is 30 miles from Bakersfield as the crow flies, we have a K-mart that is really half assed, and a Save Mart where you don’t save a fucking helluva lot 90 per cent of the time so the name is very misleading  

Also in Wasco, there are  a slew of privately owned small  restaurants, most of them Mexican, one Chinese, and then you have the usual Big Chain Joints such as McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Burger King, Jack-in-the-Crack (as I call it), Subway (which I frequent quite a bit), Pizza Hut, Dominos, and inside K-Mart there is a Little Caesers where you can get a ready made Pepperoni Pizza for just five bucks.  That’s pretty good because 8 miles up the road in another local one horse half assed town, called Shafter, that same pizza will cost you $1.99 more.

Wasco Highway 46

There is also a Denny’s that we frequent unless we have a bad experience or get bored with it which has only happened once.  Then we didn’t go for a while but it’s probably as much out of getting bored with the menu than then being really pissed off.

And then there is Perko’s, a place that we used to frequent regularly  until they worked their way onto The Girlfriend’s and mine Shit List and they now reside in a place of prominence on that list  along with The Elephant Bar.  After two years on the Shit List and not having set foot in the joint during that time, I took my son there to give Perko’s  another chance at Redemption a couple of weeks ago. 

Nope, even with Denny’s having opened down the street giving them competition, they were still crappy food wise and service wise.  I guess people tend to eat there because citizens of small towns become creatures of habits.

Perko's and Save Mart

So it was a few days ago that I ventured out to pick up my honorable son from work, and to head to Save Mart to replenish my Soft Drink supply.  A man who is out of Diet Pepsi, is a man in an extreme state of desperation.


Normally, I would have headed to K-Mart, because the general rule of thumb about soft drinks in Wasco is that the K-Mart regular price is usually cheaper than the Save Mart Sale Price. 

But recently Save Mart has had one and a half  liters of Pepsi products for ninety nine cents.  Sometimes I can get full 2 liters for a buck, but they are too large for the refrigerator at work, which means I have to pour the stuff into smaller bottles which is a real pain in the ass. 

At other times I’ll just stop at the Circle K before work because they have one liter  bottles of Lipton Brisk Lemon Flavored Diet that tastes like someone puked lemons into the bottle and sprinkled some tea on afterwards.  But I drink it anyway sometimes  because a one Liter of Diet Pepsi  there will cost you $1.99, and a little 20 ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi  will cost you $1.59 plus tax and the added California fee of 10 cents per bottle which is for recycling.  It can get to be an expensive habit.  So the 99 cent one and a half  liters at Save Mart were working out very well for me, but I doubt they will be around for ever and if they are, certainly not at that price.  Not at Save Mart.

So we head into the Super Duper Market, I  look around the front of the store where the one and a half  liters have been displayed and I don’t see them.   I  decide that they weren’t selling them any longer.  Josh standing next to me, is silent.   So unless they had moved them back to the regular soda shelves, I knew I was out of luck.  After grabbing a box of microwave popcorn, and a bunch of bananas for about  two dollars, we head that way.

Up in the Soda Aisle, we don’t see what I was looking for but they do have two liter bottles of Pepsi Products, 4/$1.  I decide to grab some, and that I would just have to put up with pouring them into smaller bottles.  But then I notice that there is a “Limit of 4 Per Customer.”  There’s always a catch so we only put four into the shopping cart.

Down beneath the two liters,  on the lower shelves we see that there is a so called  deal on  twelve pack Pepsi  cans.  When I buy cans, they are strictly for drinking at home.  An opened can on my desk at work is a sure disaster waiting to happen.  With plastic bottles, I can keep the lid on that disaster so to speak.  But it is buy two, get one free and some quick math tells me that twelve bucks for thee comes out to about $4 a twelve pack, and that baby sister, is not such a hotsy totsy deal.


Off to the left we see some cans of coke products on sale.  But I'm not a Coke person at all.  I will drink Diet Coke if the price is right, but it has to be a really exceptionally great discount.  In this case, the price is $5.99 for a twelve pack, which is no deal at all because it’s the  same as the Pepsi.  But if you buy two you get three free, which brings the cost  per twelve down to about $2.40 a twelve pack.  That is nothing to sneeze at these days and one I probably could never get elsewhere  even at K-Mart or even Wal-mart.   And I also see they have a new type of Diet Coke that uses Splenda rather than Aspartame, so I’m curious enough to give it a shot.


We begin putting the soda’s into the shopping cart, two of the new Splenda Flavored ones, two of the regular Diet Coke, and one Sprite for the girlfriend.  I was just about to put the last twelve pack into the car when Josh sees the very extremely  small print that we hadn’t noticed before.  We had seen the “limit 3 free coke 12 pack can products” but had missed this:

Minimum $25 Purchased Required For Promotional Price…$25 Excludes Price of Coke Purchase.


I look in the cart. We had the four two liters at a dollar each.  We had a box of Microwave 94% Fat Free Popcorn for about $4.99.  We had about $2.00 worth of bananas for a total of about $12.  And that’s all there was, not even close to the $25 dollars needed.  And I knew there was not twenty five dollars more worth of stuff that we wanted to buy.   We began putting the twelve packs back on the shelf.

“I wish they still had the one and a half  liters,” I tell Josh.

“They’re at the front of the store,” he replied casually.

“What? You saw them?  Where?  I didn’t see them?  Why in the hell didn’t you tell me?”  I asked him pointedly.

“I thought you saw them,” he replies.

So I’m feeling kind of foolish when  he guides me to where he had seen the one and a half  liters.  And sure enough, they were there.  Okay, so maybe I need a new set of glasses and should have seen them the same as he did.


We ended up getting an even dozen of Diet Pepsi, and I add a couple of Mountain Dews for The Girlfriend.  We now had our $25 dollar purchase so we headed back up to the soft drink aisle to get the coke deal.  If nothing else, I am a savvy shopper.

Of course, they only had a couple of check out lanes open so we did have to wait and when one is waiting at a Supermarket, they can’t help but see the covers of all of the tabloids.  One of them asking us about some celebrity  with a major cellulite problem telling us to look inside to find out the identity of the mystery lady.


My guess was it was Kirstie Alley, but we never found out because we didn’t really have time to thumb through it.  So it will forever remain a mystery unless you know and want to share that information with us.  There was also this one.


Josh didn’t know who this particular  Denise was.  I guess he’s lived in a cocoon for the past twenty years, or he’s as smart as his old man and this stupid shit doesn’t concern him..  So I quickly explained about her being Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife and that she had starred in several movies including Starship Trooper that we had watched together a few months ago.

“Oh her,” he acknowledged.  “And we care about this why?”

“We don’t,” I answered.  “Unless she’s being photographed naked, and then we would care.”  I told him. “And she may regret her boob jobs, but I think most men are really appreciative.”

We finally made it through the check out lane.  The total was about $47 bucks I think.  Not bad and we had enough soda to last us quite a while, and I had enough 1 1/2 liters for work for a couple of weeks.  All in all, I think we could label this shopping spree a success.  Except for the identity of the mystery cellulite lady.  Okay, I’m being nice.  She’s just fat.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

You Are What You Eat – Salad Wars!

A few days ago I was detailing and lamenting about a  rather shitty dining experience at the Elephant Bar Global Grill and Monkey Droppings Kitchen.  Among the many things I was bitching about was the crappy tiny salad they give you for just $4 extra dollars.  To be more precise, what I said was this:

It was bad enough that for four dollars, there wasn’t much there, but they used those damn miniature round tomatoes that I absolutely abhor.  And for four bucks, if they  aren’t going to use real tomatoes, you would have thought they could have put more in the way of vegetables in it, like maybe some olives, cucumbers, mushrooms, or onions.  I mean, hell, the salads at Denny’s are better than this and only cost me $2.95.  Now I know another reason why it was so damn dark.  They didn’t want you to be able to see how skimpy some of the food items were.

Yesterday my son Josh and I ate at a local Buffet restaurant in Bakersfield called Hodel’s.  For about $12 a person including drink, you can fill up on some pretty decent food.  In fact, if you decide you want just the salad bar you can do so for a smaller price then if you have a full dinner or lunch.  So I went to town on the salad bar, probably a bit much, loading it up as highh as I could without having it spill over the plate.  By the time I finished, this is what it looked like:


And I could have ate two or three of these if I so desired, but this one was enough.  Now I’m not going to wax poetic about it’s dietary properties or lack thereof, but a cousin of mine stated on Facebook: 

Omit the croutons corn and creamy dressing and swap the ham for chicken, and you've got a healthy salad.

To be honest, they didn’t have any little bits of chicken squares, although you could fill up on all the chicken you wanted at the dinner bar.  And I suppose I could have scooped up a breast and hand chopped it up into my salad, but the thought never occurred to me.  As for the corn, it really wasn’t that much but I guess I could have easily left it off and wouldn’t have noticed it was even missing.  And I debated for ten long seconds about putting on the croutons, I really did.  But some of  the little crispy buggers jumped up on my plate when I wasn’t looking. Yeah, my will power has been headed down Crapville Lane for about four or five days now.

As usual though, I’m getting away  from the point I want to make here.  The question is this:   why does a place that charges an arm and a leg for a meal, then charges you a knee and an ass cheek more for a tiny ass crappy salad with nothing in it? 

Take a place like Olive Garden as compared to a half assed place like the Elephant Bar.  At Olive Garden, you not only get all the damn tasty bread sticks you can eat,  you also get an endless salad, and it doesn’t cost you a penny more.  It’s part of your meal. 

And if Hodel’s, Sizzlin’ and even Marie Callendars  can give away salad by the tons  included with the price of your  meal or damn little extra, why the hell can’t the fucking Elephant Bar give you one decent salad for that damn four bucks?  I mean, is the cook pocketing about $3.50 of that and splitting it with the manager?  Or is the manager cheating on his food costs and taking extra home to save up for that bit 60 inch flat screen hanging around down at Best Buy with the stereo surround sound system and the 3d goggles?   If the salad had been worthwhile, I wouldn’t even mention the lousy four Washington spots.   But it sure as hell wasn’t worth what we paid for it, and probably wasn’t worth no more than two bucks if that much.

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m wrong.  The place was packed as evidenced by the fact that we had to wait 45 minutes for a table.  But then again, there were a couple of parties going on, and it was obvious that at least half of the patrons were crocked to the eyeballs.  So like I said, they probably didn’t even notice or care how really lousy the food was.  But maybe I’ll write a real letter to the company and be very precise and succinct in my displeasure:  Dear Elephant Bar:  You suck.

A Day in the Life – If Happiness is…..

getting five racoons in a row: 


then getting five Beavers is Downright Orgasmic