Netflix Wishes You a Happy Mother’s Day. (And I do too)

The difference between Netflix and myself is that I don’t have any pretty red envelopes to send to you for Mother’s Day which falls on May 12th this year.  Unless I send you the ones I get from Netflix.  If you still rent Netflix discs as I currently do, you’ll have your own though.  But why should you want a Netflix envelope for Mother’s Day?

Because Netflix, not sparing any expense, is promoting the day as if it was Christmas, Easter, and Halloween rolled into one.  I don’t know what their envelope printing costs are or how much overhead they have trotting out a special run of themed envelopes but it can’t be cheap.   Yes, I know there is always advertising on the inside when you rip it open, but for Mother’s Day they’ve gone so far as to scribble stuff on the front and the back as well.  So I guess besides promoting Mother’s Day in general, Netflix wants you to know they have a heart of gold and are thinking of you, Mom, and apple pie.

I probably shouldn’t have noticed any of this.  I usually just rip open the big envelope to get the discs out.  Back when I was writing articles like this in regards to my Netflix viewing habits, then I would read what was on the disc holder in order to get the information I needed such as who was in the film and the year it was made.   I also scanned each envelope that I wrote about. 

My own mother passed away back in 2005.  She was just a few days shy of being 76 years old and spent the last few years of her life bedridden in a nursing home.   But one thing she still loved to do was to watch movies, especially some of the old classics.  The last movie I sat and watched with her was The High and The Mighty starring John Wayne and Robert Stack.  And she seemed to enjoy it.

One Christmas way before that, years before a series of strokes did her in physically,  the family chipped in and got her a VCR, back when they were still a bit expensive.   She loved it and was very appreciative of it.  Even if for some reason she hadn’t, we would never have known.   So I guess if anybody could have appreciated the sentiments behind the Netflix Mother’s Day advertising campaign, she would.

You’d have to really look at the front of the Netflix envelopes to notice anything different from the usual.  Each one has a pithy Mother’s Day phrase telling you what you should do for Mom on Mother’s Day.  But really, if you love your mother, do you need Netflix telling you how to treat her?  Well, maybe some of you do. 

These are the envelopes I received in the mail yesterday.  I don’t know if the three I received earlier in the week were of the same variety and I’ve already sent those envelopes to the shredder.  I’ve circled the Mother’s Day Sentiments in blue.

The back of the envelopes are a horse of a different color.  No, they are still red but they have have quite a bit of artsy fartsy fancy schmansy writing on them featuring motherly types quotes and remembrances courtesy of Hollywood Screen Writers.  It was the Forrest Gump one that caught my eye and enticed me to explore the situation further.

Inside?  Well, that’s where the advertisement comes in.  In each envelope Netflix gives you three Mother’s Day DVD suggestions. If my Mother were alive I’m pretty sure she would have liked the suggestions of The Cosby Show, The Brady Bunch, Leave It To Beaver, and Roseanne.  I’m pretty sure she liked all of those shows and would watch them over and over again regardless of how many times she had seen them.  On the second envelope, it gets a bit iffy.  I really don’t know for sure how much she liked animated features and if she had ever even seen an episode of The Simpsons.  She might have watched with some of the grandkids.

If she did, it was never while I was around.  But I wasn’t a grandkid.  But I don’t think she would have cared for Family Guy.  On the other hand, you could probably give Brave or The Incredibles a spin on the DVD player and I doubt if she would have objected.  She might even have enjoyed them.  Envelope number three is much like envelope number one.  All movies I’m sure she saw at some point in her life. The Thrill of it All and Please Don’t Eat The Daisies would have been especially enjoyable to her.  I have seen three of the four for sure and may have even seen Mrs. Miniver at some point in my life but if I did, I’ve long forgotten the details. 
Okay, so maybe this is just advertising to get you to rent more Mother’s Day films.  Maybe not.  There’s been far worse commercialism of the un-holidays like Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day then what this is.  So I actually think it’s a good idea and really do appreciate the effort.  On the other hand, isn’t renting Mom a Blu-ray or DVD pretty much implying that you’re kind of a cheapskate?  Hell, do what I did with The High and The Mighty.  Buy her the dang thing.  Better yet, buy her a complete season or series of a TV show she really loves.  That’s my suggestion.  Or just spring for a whole year of Netflix rentals or streaming.  As Cousin Eddie says, “It’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year round.”  

But take the advice on the front of the envelopes, kids.  Appreciate and cherish your Mothers while you still can.  They won’t be around forever you know.  Give them a hug, tell you how much you love them,  how much you appreciate the sacrifices they made for you and everything they’ve taught you.  Send them my Happy Mother’s Day wishes as well.  As for my mom, and all my grandmother’s and their grandmother’s, Happy Mother’s Day where ever you are!

Weekend Box Office Report 4/21/2013: Tom Cruises to the Top

Despite the title of his latest film epic, Oblivion, Tom Cruise shows once again why when all is said and done, he’s still good box office and is not about to fade into oblivion himself.   Oblivion blasts its way to a $38.2 million dollar opening.  This after his previous film, Jack Reacher, was declared dead on arrival although I don’t quite concur with that forensic analysis.

Was Jack Reacher a gigantic box office bonanza on the level of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol?  Of course not.  There are only so many Ghost Protocols, War of the World’s, or Minority Report’s that any actor can conjure up.  But if any other film a big name star takes part in doesn’t match their biggest successes, it’s labeled a failure.  Consider this.

Jack Reacher was up against some stiff competition in The Hobbit.  Another entry in the seemingly never ending Tolkien saga being milked for every cent Hollywood can squeeze out of it.  And although Reacher only grossed just over $15 million opening weekend, it did go on to take in $80 million domestically on a $60 million dollar budget.  Hardly a total disaster.  Stir in an overseas box office take of $136 million, and suddenly the film is well into profitability.   And once it reaches DVD and Blu-ray in a couple of weeks, those who haven’t seen it will find out just as I did that it was in fact, a damn good action, espionage, thriller.


I almost made it to see Oblivion this weekend, but my girlfriend Wilma wasn’t particularly keen on the idea.  She probably would have gone if I had been an obnoxious prick about it, but instead I decided to be Mr. Nice Guy.

Wilma had me run down the list of movies playing, what they were about, and where they were showing.  Any theater except those owned by Regal would do.  I’ll never step foot in another Regal cinema, but that’s a story I’ll try to get to later in the week.  We decided on The Place Beyond The Pines, a film that we knew little about but from the plot synopsis sounded very interesting.   We never made it there.

We had lunch at a place called Logan’s Roadhouse Grill (great meatloaf), then afterwards we decided to go to Burlington Coat Factory which was in this small strip mall that also housed one of those second run, admission only $1.00 theaters called the Starplex Cinema.  It was a perfect candidate to do one of my Road Trip reviews, that is if I could squeeze it in.  In other words, don’t look for that to happen.
 

Back when it was originally released, and because Wilma is a romantic kind of gal, she had wanted to see the Julianne Hough movie Safe Haven which was another straight from the heart romantic dopuses from writer, now producer, Nicholas Sparks.  As for myself,  I can only get into these types of films if they are the Romantic Comedy classification (they better be damn funny), Romantic Suspense classification (better keep me on the edge of my seat), or perhaps even just Romance Drama’s (better be damn meaningful)  if the drama part is laid on thick and heavy.  Straight romance movies bore the heck out of me and are fodder for Hallmark and Lifetime. 

So since we were already there,  because the next showing was just 30 minutes away, and most of all because it was  only a buck, I decided to be Good Guy Clyde, and escort her to see it.  Two other things worked in her favor: 
1.  The fact that it was an adult oriented romance film that meant the chances of there being a bunch of noisy rug rats running around the theater were pretty slim, even on a Saturday afternoon.
 
2.  It was only a dollar so what did I have to loose?  And we had just eaten lunch so there was no need to buy the popcorn or soft drinks which were just as overpriced as any other theater showing a first run film.  On the other hand, they are the Marge Schott of movie theaters and you can get a hot dog for $1.00 anytime.  I have to admit that I did fill a twinge of guilt for not purchasing anything from the concession stand since I know the theater makes nothing from the $1.00 admission.  But that only lasted a millisecond.  Next time I’ll be sure to get a wienie or two.
As for the film itself, since every thing I watch is always a candidate for  future page filler, all I’ll say is that the first fifteen minutes were intriguing, and the last fifteen minutes were fairly decent despite the fact that I couldn’t stop laughing at the ludicrous plot twist tacked on.   But everything in between was an exercise in never ending tedium.  Never has there been a romance that was as uninteresting and developed as slowly and as boringly as what happens between Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel.  I wanted to take a nap in the worst way but managed to somehow stay awake.  Then again, what do I know?  Except that Wilma concurred with my opinion and this is a woman who likes practically everything she’s ever paid admission to.  Maybe the book was better, especially since it have a lofty rating of 4.6 stars from those on Amazon who have read it.  Count me out though.  I’ve been working on the same romantic/mystery/suspense trilogy for about three or four months now.

I had thought Safe Haven, like Jack Reacher, was a total bomb at the box office.  But that perception of mine must have come from the way the critics had savaged it (13 percent at Rotten Tomatoes).    The film managed to rake in $70 million domestically and over 16 million overseas on a shoe string $28 million dollar budget, so if profitability is the name of the game, Safe Haven achieved that goal.   I’m sure that my two bucks helped tremendously in that regards.  All I know is I still haven’t seen Jurassic Park 3D, and time is running out.  But the weekend is almost over, and unlike Reese Witherspoon, most of us had a pleasant enough time. 

Here are your Box Office totals:

It’s Amazon Pilot Season

Amazon is doing its best to get into the original content game just as Netflix has with House of Cards and Hemlock Grove.  Whether they will be successful or not depends on the quality of the offerings.  But they are trying something different.  They are letting viewers decide which shows should become series. 

I’m most interested in Zombie Land, but I’m kind of disappointed in the trailer I saw for it.  I’ll try to find the time to watch this weekend and get back to you but that’s not a promise.  I’ll be gone Saturday most of the day, still working on that same completely new movie review, plus there’s something that I want to write to go with it.  Kind of tough cramming it all in especially when you come home from work exhausted after already having spent eight hours in front of a computer screen.

You can watch any of these videos for free without belong to Amazon Prime and leave feedback.   Again, Netflix already has spent millions on the three exclusive series.  We’ll see if Amazon can play catch up.  Use the above link or just click on the graphic.

Something I hate reading in any review.

This is a pet peeve of mine, so I’m just going to go ahead and unload right now.  I just read this in a review of the classic TV series Eight is Enough, and it’s something that irritates me every time I read it  in any review of anything.

”Everyone can watch the show, and you don't have to worry about foul language or adult situations.”

Let me explain something to you.  I don’t give a damn.  That’s not why I bought the show.  I don’t think that’s why anybody should watch this show or any other show like it.  Just because someone doesn’t say damn or bare their butt isn’t what makes it special or worth watching or even not worth watching.  I’ve bought Eight is Enough, and I own a copy of Show Girls.  Your comment is just as stupid as if I said in a review, “Everybody should watch Showgirls because it has a lot of tits and ass so it’s a really great movie.  Give your children a lesson in female anatomy”

Hell, no show was any more clean pure family oriented than Full House  and that half hour of hell just plain flat out sucked.  What should I say, buy it even though it was a really sickeningly sweet piece of crap  because you don’t have to worry about D.J. giving Michelle the finger when she scribbles in her diary with a Crayola? 

I’ve seen some really pure as the driven snow shows that my kids watched and loved.  But there were just as many so called G rated fun for all shows that made them want to puke with boredom.  Shows like Full House.  Ugh!

If any adult with half a brain can’t figure out what certain members of their family may or may not be able to watch, then perhaps birth control should be on their agenda somewhere.  It’s just stupid to put it in a movie review.  It tells nothing about the show or movie.  Why not word it correctly?

”Hey look at me!  I’m pure!  I’m not watching any sex, nudity and violence.  I’m better than you are as a person.  My kids never hear dirty words in my house.  They just pick them up at school and on the street the same as I did when I was their age”

Give me a break.  I don’t know how old you are but if you’re my age, I hope I don’t know you.  You’re undoubtedly one of those people who sits in front of their TV 24 hours a day with your freakin’ notepad, writing down every damn, hell, or ass word so you can quickly pen a letter of complaint off to the FCC while one of the world’s top ten asshats, Tony Perkins, drools all over you.  I’m thinking that now, and only now, are you recovering from the stroke you had at the sight of Justin Timberlake exposing Janet Jackson’s breast for a millisecond at the Super Bowl.  And I bet if I scrolled through all the reviews there would be three or four people telling me how much better Eight is Enough is than something like The Shield, or Shameless, because it’s just good clean family fun.

If  you want to tell people something about the actual show, then please do so.  Sticking the label “Mr. & Mrs. Goody Two Shoes” on your forehead and broadcasting it as if the rest of us were morons just doesn’t fly.  I’m willing to bet that if you ever read my little commentary here, you’ll absolutely hate it.  I hope so.  Next time, tell us something about the show that might interest us, besides the fact that Nicholas didn’t say the fuck word.  We already know that.

 

Carnival to spend up to $900 million to clean up it’s poop decks, Royal Caribbean: We’re sorry. But your daughter took a dive in the ocean, so you’re confined to your especially selected room. Enjoy the rest of your trip.

What is the attraction people have regarding cruises anyway?  I have given consideration to going on one at some point in my life but it just doesn’t appeal to me.  I think some of these people who ship out have watched too many episodes of The Love Boat when they were younger.  Some of the Carnival Cruise ships can hold over 3000 people.  Why would you want to be stuck out on the ocean with that many sweaty, smelly, possibly diseased humans in a floating cracker jack box where there’s no way to escape?  And if the motor conks out, you’re pretty well stuck eating cans of sardines and crapping them back out in a Hefty Cinch Sack.  Now multiply doing that by several thousand and you have a pretty lousy stinking cruise.  Pun intended.

And hell, even if none of that happens, you never know when some drunk jack ass is going to attack you or push you overboard so that you can swim with the fishes or become shark bait. 

I have a lot of relatives that have gone on these cruises.  And they return to tell us how absolutely wonderful the trip was, except on those occasions when it wasn’t so hot.  These would be the times they’ve been injured, or spent the whole trip getting sick and losing their lunch in the no bigger than an outhouse bathroom of their cabin for the entire journey.  But still, they swear by them and will defend the cruise ship lines to their death.  Let’s hope it never comes to that.

My relations may have felt otherwise if they had been on one of the infamous recent poop cruises.  But Carnival has seen the error of its ways as if they had been struck by a holy vision of Captain Merrill Stubing or Blessed Mother Virginal Cruise Director Julie McCoy showing them the error of their ways. Okay, it probably had more to do with dwindling sales, high cancellations, and stock shares taking a pretty big tumble. 

From The Consumerist:

Carnival announced today that it has plans in the works involving $300 million in improvements to its entire fleet.

The money will be sunk into upgrading safety and creating redundant power systems, according to a press release on Carnival’s site (via Good Morning America), ostensibly so that if one engine fails the entire ship won’t be thrown into a state of septic emergency due to overflowing toilets.

Included in today’s improvements is a system-wide increase in emergency generator power across Carnival’s fleet of 24 ships and additional investments in the newest and most technically advanced fire prevention, detection and suppression systems………

…….In addition, Carnival is going to spend somewhere upward of another $600 million to improve its ships overall and make sure the sewagepalooza that struck the Carnival Triumph in February doesn’t happen on future trips.

Carnival is the world’s largest operator of cruise ships, with brands like the Princess (which had its own Poop Cruise event recently) and Cunard in its family, as well as the ill-fated Costa Concordia.

Meanwhile in Miami, a woman has filed a lawsuit against the Royal Caribbean Cruise lines because she claims she was confined to her cabin after her daughter fell overboard.  Maybe they thought she would try to jump into the ocean to look for her.  Nah, they could have had somebody accompany her especially since they had the personnel to guard any escape attempt from the room she was locked in.  It’s a wonder they didn’t handcuff her to a steam pipe

Here’s the story from Courthouse News:

Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines kept a woman under guard in her room for days after her daughter fell overboard and died, and wouldn't even let her go to the chapel to pray, the mother claims in court.    Vera Marion claims the cruise line didn't even bother to turn the ship around to look for her 21-year-old daughter until 2 hours after she fell overboard……

…..The crew of the Allure of the Seas did not notify the U.S. Coast Guard that a person had gone overboard until approximately 11:30 EST, approximately two hours after the crew first received report of the incident.   Following the person-overboard announcement, the crew denied Vera Marion access to her room, her belongings, or contact with her fellow work associates. She was moved by crew members to a cabin without a balcony and guarded there by crew members stationed outside her door and inside of her cabin.  She repeatedly pleaded with crew members to leave her alone, but they refused. This situation persisted for days.  For the remainder of the cruise, crew members did not permit Vera Marion to leave the cabin or travel anywhere about the ship without the presence of security.  They did not permit her to receive guests or messages that her associates had apparently left her or to contact them.  They did not even allow her to go to the chapel on board the ship to pray for her daughter's well-being,  The crew forced her to leave her cabin door unlocked, and "as a result, male crew members walked in on Vera Marion unannounced while she was undressed, on several occasions.   Marion, who also has two sons, says that despite her pleas,  Royal Caribbean made public that a twenty-one year-old woman from Bartlett, Tennessee went overboard.  Vera Marion's boys learned of this news from home and attempted unsuccessfully to contact their mother to ask if it was A'riel who went overboard.  A'riel's body has never been recovered.   The mother seeks compensatory and punitive damages for wrongful death, false imprisonment and negligent infliction of emotional distress.

I don't know about you but I think I'd rather have taken my chances on the Titanic or the Lusitania than sailing the ocean blue on these tugboats. I don't know, maybe someone thought A'riel was The Real Ariel and gave her a shove.  At any rate, the only poop cruise I want to be a part of is when I flush my commode and launch my business to cruise down through the city sewer lines.  But if you insist on going on one of these jaunts, be sure to pack a plunger, take extra Charmin, and don’t go within 100 feet of the railing.

First Hunger Games Catching Fire Teaser Trailer: It’s A Good One And On My Must See List For This Year.

Weekend Box Office Report 4/14/2013: Jackie Robinson Hits a Home Run, Ends Racism

If only it were true.  Robinson went a long way to breaking the color barrier in Major League Baseball, but racism as we all know, continues onward to this day.  Where would the Tea Farty and many Republicans go and who would they vote for if they didn’t have their fearless leaders feeding into the paranoid delusions of their half witted followers that all minorities are out to get them?

I didn’t get to get out and see 42 this weekend, which was the number one film at the box office.  And I still haven’t made it out to find out if 3D dinosaurs are better than the 2D ones.  And time is running out on that one unless I want to invest in a 3D Flat Screen.  I don’t, not after having just invested in a 2D back in January.

Sometimes…..well most of the time, I hate living where I do.  Being 30 miles away from the nearest theater is a pain in the ass, not only because of the time it takes to get there and back, but because the cost of the gasoline you need to do it just adds to what is usually a pretty expensive outing anyway.  There have been many times I would have gone to see a movie during the week, but when you arrive home from your job at 5:00 or thereabouts, driving over sixty miles is far from being appealing no matter what the reason.

I have a nice enough blu-ray set up here at home, so I guess I shouldn’t complain.  Those movies I don’t make it out to the theater to see, I’ll watch from the comfort of my living room, even though I still prefer the theatrical presentation with it’s sticky floors, overpriced popcorn, crying brats, cell phone distractions, and the guy who sits next to me narrating the film on a continual basis.  Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that you can’t pause the action while you go take a squirt.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, 42 was given a CinemaScore of A+, and was like by all types of audiences be they male, female, young or old:

Financed by Legendary, whose CEO Thomas Tull personally produced the $40 million project, the PG-13-rated 42 recounts the career of Jackie Robinson. The film was written and directed by Brian Helgeland (A Knight’s Tale), and stars Chadwick Boseman as Robinson and Harrison Ford as the Brooklyn Dodgers general manager Branch Rickey. With an excellent A-plus CinemaScore from all four quadrants of the audience, it was embraced by moviegoers as it outperformed expectations, which had the movie opening in the mid-to-high-teen millions.

42 enjoyed something of a hometown advantage in Los Angeles, where the Dodgers now play: Of the top ten-grossing theaters playing the pic, five were in Los Angeles. “It played extremely well in large and small markets, urban and suburban, and we have a great road ahead of us,” said Dan Fellman, Warners president, domestic distribution. “Congratulations to Thomas Tull and Legendary for bringing the picture to us.”

The movie did play older: 83 percent of its audience was over 25, with 45 percent of the audience between 25 and 49. Gender-wise, it broke fairly evenly though, with 48 percent male and 52 percent female. While African-Americans contributed to the audience that turned out for the drama about breaking racial barriers, the film enjoyed broad appeal. “There’s not one pattern that jumps out,” Fellman said. The film is currently playing in 3003 locations, but Fellman expects to expand it further in the coming weekend.

And don't feel sorry for the Weinstein’s Scary Movie 5 either which only managed to scrape up a piddling $15 million which doesn’t at all compare favorably to the $40 million opening of it’s predecessor, Scary Movie 4.  The movie only cost about $17 million to make, and I’m sure it’ll make a profit from the rest of its domestic run and any other Euro’s it can scrape up overseas. You can alread preorder the DVD or Blu-ray if you wish.  Look for this pre-order price to come down quite a bit. 

I know this is going to sound bad but I haven’t even seen the first Scary Movie, let alone it’s long run of sequels.  The whole lame brain premise just doesn’t appeal to me and as long as this blog only has the equivalent of five visitors a week, then there’s no real reason to see some films I don’t want to put any effort into.  And besides that, aren’t most horror films already kind of a parody of themselves?

That doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll exclude bad movies from my viewing habits.  You should already know that from some of my previous Poo Poo winners.  But unless this blog miraculously rakes in $30 thousand a year so I can do nothing but write pointless crap twelve hours a day, I’ll have to keep my shit job until I can retire.  By that time I may be too decrepit to write at all.

On the other hand, Netflix does have the first two Scary Movies available for streaming and if they stay there long enough, I may get to them.  Maybe I’ll even be greatly surprised by their insightful humor and wicked parody of horror films.  Uh-huh.  I’ll let you know. 

There’s one other film I should mention before we get to the chart.  Tom Cruise’s Oblivion actually opened this past week as well.  But not in the U.S.  It hit the European circuit for a rather hefty total of $61.1 Million.  Good for first place in the international market.  It opens in the U.S. this coming weekend.  This is no longer unusual.  Many films have opened overseas before unfolding across the continental U.S.  Spielberg’s Adventures of Tin Tin played in Europe a long time before it arrived here because it was better known.  And there have been films that were declared flops in the U.S. that actually did fairly decent business overseas.  That’s the new world order, so get used to it.  Here’s the tallies: